WE sent two of our reporters, Hollie Borland and Oliver Hill, to review Fifty Shades of Grey at the cinema and find out what all the fuss is about.

Fifty Shades of Grey from a woman's perspective

By Hollie Borland

FOR those of you who don’t know the story, virginal student Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) catches the eye of hot, messed-up millionaire, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) who also just happens to be into bondage and discipline.

Ladies – and gents – what we can take away from this film is that even the sex-god Christian Grey wraps it before he taps it.

He plays it safe. But unlike protective sex, the most disappointing thing about this film is that it is safe.

For a film to warrant an 18 certificate you expect explicit sex, language and violence and this film had very little of anything.

An 18 shouldn’t be safe, especially when the film is part of a franchise where its popularity kneels at the feet of forbidden, dominant, hardcore sex.

Admittedly there is a bit of nipple and a few cheeky bum shots but the film seems to lack any oomph, so to speak.

Instead it’s all moody eye contact and worried lip-chomping.

I mean, for God’s sake, hand the woman some lipsalve. By the end, my eyes ached from rolling them in despair at how unrealistic the whole thing is.

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Although I personally don’t buy in to the whole ‘women being submissive’ thing, I’m all for the successes that the film brings to the chicks behind the scenes; author E. L. James, director Sam Taylor-Johnson and Ellie Goulding who achieved Number 1 in the charts with her song from the soundtrack, Love Me Like You Do.

But I can’t escape the fact that I was thoroughly dissatisfied with the lack of believable naughtiness.

While driving away from the cinema contemplating all of the other things I could have achieved in the 125 minutes – like putting a wash on – an alarm was sounding from the building next door – B&Q.

Perhaps the film was more inspirational for others ...

Fifty Shades of Grey from a man's perspective

By Oliver Hill

I HAVEN’T read Fifty Shades of Grey so I didn’t quite know what to expect.
To help male readers, who probably and rightly assume that Fifty Shades doesn’t really concern them because it’s one of those girl-only things like littering the bedroom floor with hair ties or spending hours gassing on the phone, I’ll sum up the storyline.
Two fairly boring but moderately attractive people – an English Literature student and rich business man – meet and like each other.

She spends half the film with her arms above her head while he does some alternative and intimate stuff to her.

Stuff that made me giggle like a 12-year-old in sex education.

And that’s pretty much it.

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Yes there are breasts, backsides and bushes but nothing compared to The Wolf of Wall Street, where Margot Robbie stands totally starkers in front of Leonardo DiCaprio for an extended amount of time. 

So what else is there? Nothing much, and that’s the problem – the hype is writing cheques the film cannot cash.

Despite the much talked about 20 minutes of sex this is in fact a very dull film where not a lot happens bar a shed-load of product placement.

For example, there’s one scene where the two of them stroll past a sea of grey Audis.

Of course, this being such an uninteresting bloke, he owns them all.

I lost count of how many deathly dull Audis were featured but I’m sure it was more than the number of letters in ‘Vorsprung durch technik’.
The monotone cars are served with a large helping of Apple products, an Omega watch, a Fazioli grand piano and it’s all washed down with a G&T made with either Hendricks or Bombay Sapphire gin.
One positive thing – I liked the songs by Ellie Goulding (Love Me Like You Do) and The Weeknd (Earned It).

However, if you’re a pervert, I’d recommend saving your money and investing in a pair of long range binoculars instead.

Have you seen Fifty Shades of Grey yet? Tell us what you thought in the comments below.